The Wacky Side of Golf |
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19TH HOLE COMEDY • Today, the blog • Tomorrow, the book |
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Home Decorating, 101 This entry was posted on 1/29/2006 12:15 PM and is filed under uncategorized. I live in an Arizona golf community with a nifty 19th Hole called Phil’s Grill, named for Phil Mickelson. (The place has so much Mickelson memorabilia that you find yourself eating left handed.) When we built our house I decided to make golf a big part of the decor. As a reader service, I am pleased to offer six pointers to make links type decorating easier. WARNING: Be prepared for annoying domestic flaps, they will occur. 1. Twelve foot ceilings are a requirement -- don’t settle for anything less. You need enough room to swing a driver without wiping out a chandelier or a hunk of track lighting. When I lived in the midwest the ceilings were so low that you couldn't do much more than stand in the middle of the family room, extend your arm and practice free drops. 2. There is a prime location for your indoor practice area. It belongs in front of a TV set equipped with a DVD player and TiVo. It should be centrally located -- in the living room. Where else would you put it -- in a sewing room? Golfers like to watch “A. J. On Golf” and practice A. J.’s secret move through the ball. When A. J. swings, we swing. Bonus tip: Watching a few minutes of A.J.’s video helps to break the ice when you entertain boring guests. . .an added reason to set up shop in the living room. 3. A twelve foot ceiling is wasted if you can’t take the club beyond shoulder height without clipping a lamp shade. And, for heaven sakes, no coffee tables in the living room. Are there coffee tables at the driving range? Why then, would you put one in your practice area? What would you use it for -- an elevated tee? 4. Limit accessories. It's absurd to have knickknacks on every table, an ottoman in front of every chair and floral arrangements that make the house look like a mortuary. Altering your swing path to avoid a dried arrangement leads to looping and lunging -- both key faults. 5. A golfer’s home should have low-pile carpeting -- with a break. It’s impossible to putt on shag. Polyester rolls truer than wool. DuPont nylon with the right padding is a 10 on the Stimpmeter and if you use your Hoover just right, you can vacuum some tricky breaks in it. 6. When you discuss furniture placement, demand enough open space to lob shots into a wastebasket and roll 20 foot lag putts. If your approach shots normally miss the greens and your putts are a city block from the hole, you should have extra room to practice, practice, practice. Perhaps these tips will help you as much as they helped us. Our house is a golfer’s dream. All that’s missing is a sand trap in the dining room. We’re negotiating for center spreads in Better Homes and Gardens and Golf Digest. And our golf games are better than ever. * * * |
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