The Wacky Side of Golf |
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19TH HOLE COMEDY • Today, the blog • Tomorrow, the book |
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Helpful; Hints This entry was posted on 4/26/2006 10:57 AM and is filed under uncategorized. A few tips to help you look “cool” on the golf course... • Lose the cord that connects your head covers. • Ditch the persimmon you’re hiding underneath them. • Give your caddie a nickname. “Hand me a six-iron, Billy,” sounds stupid. • Make sure you have at least one logo on your cap, collar, glove, sleeves, socks, shoes, and hip pocket. To be really cool, have “Nike” tattooed on your forearm. • Take the hand towel off your belt. • Remove your glove and carry it down the fairway so it “airs out.” Do it as soon as you hit the ball -- the top of your follow through is not too soon. Watch how Tiger does it. • Call the halfway house from the ninth tee and order sushi. • Putt with your glove in your hip pocket with the fingers showing -- one finger if you’re playing lousy. • At the end of the round, report your score as “31 over” not “Gimme a 103”. * * * If you’re interested in a surefire way to win your club championship, try this scheme: Let’s say you’ve made it to the finals -- one more victory and the winner’s trophy will be perched above your fireplace, in the middle of your dining room table or occupying an alcove in the family room. It won’t be easy though, you can’t take anything for granted -- your quarterfinal and semifinal opponents were hard to beat. Remember, the semifinal match went 21 holes. The next match promises to be even tougher. But there is a formula for success. The championship match is scheduled for ten o’clock next Saturday morning. This is how to set your opponent up for a long day: 7:00 a.m.: Have a nice leisurely breakfast with your loved one, enjoy your time together. 7:45 a.m.: Take a shower, let the warm water soothe your muscles. There’s nothing like aqua-therapy. 8:15 a.m.: Get dressed. Wear a red golf shirt. It’s the final round, dress like Tiger dresses for his final rounds. And don’t forget the Nike logo. Remember to call your caddie Steve. In your victory speech, remember to give “Stevie” partial credit for your success. 8:35 a.m.: Put your clubs and shoes in the trunk and go to a driving range. Select one close to your club. Hit balls for an hour. Work out the kinks. Get in a groove. 9:35 a.m.: Order a cup of coffee, and take it to the practice green. Work on your putting, pause now and then for a sip of latte. 9:52 a.m.: Drive to the club. Roll the windows down, let the fresh air flow through the car. Enjoy the scenery. It’s summertime, the trees are in full foliage, flowers are bursting with color, newly-mown lawns sport perfect manicures and little kids are riding their bicycles and tricycles up and down the sidewalks without a care in the world. Adopt their attitude. 9:57 a.m.: Casually stroll to the first tee. Be sure to arrive at exactly 9:59 am. Ignore the fact that your opponent’s face is beet red and he’s soaked with sweat. He will have worked himself into a lather worrying about whether you would show up. If you’re not six up after six holes you don’t deserve to win. * * * |
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